sunshine0221's Diaryland Diary

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Passion

Passion

"It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we can live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead."

Angel, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Sometimes someone, or something comes along and it shakes us out of our complacency. I was talking with a friend last night, who is, well, maybe becoming more than a friend, and he inspired this entry.

I am brave about some things, and a total cowardly wuss about others. Passion is one of the things that scares the bejeezus out of me.

As long as I can remember, I've been afraid of letting myself really love someone. It's like I know it won't work out in the end, and that it will hurt, so why not just skip the whole thing and eat, or read about other people experiencing passion, because that is much, much safer.

I'm passionate about work, about art, but -- with people -- not so much.

Although my official motto is that it is better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all, the motto I've been really living is: �Holy crap, stay away from love, avoid passion -- it's scary and it hurts!!�

I admire people who see someone they want and go for it. Again, I do that well in many areas of my life, but not this one. I'm amazed and impressed when I see someone who is confident in their lovability, and attractiveness, because I so rarely am.

A part of me just wants to give up on passion. After all, the 40 or so years I have left are probably not enough time to get this all worked out anyway. Maybe I can focus on other things! I'll make soap and candles!! I'll watch Buffy find her true love! I'll get it right next lifetime, yeah, that's the ticket!

And then a little voice inside me says, "Coward".

A long time ago, a boyfriend asked me to move to New York City with him. It ended our relationship. And not only because I would rather have extensive dental work than live in New York City, but because I realized that I need the kind of love where I would happily move anywhere with the guy. �Iraq?? No problem, honey, I'll go pack.�

So what am I trying to say here? That I need to tackle the passion thing like I would tackle any other project. Decide on the goal. Look at where things are now. And create a plan to get from here to there.

Or maybe the next lifetime plan would be best.

Shut up, little voice.

2:55 p.m. - October 27, 2002

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