sunshine0221's Diaryland Diary
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Dad
Dad
Spent a week with my dad. It was one of the better visits I've had with him.
He's older, and having some challenges, and the caretaker role is pretty damn easy and familiar for me. Easier than the daughter role for sure. I tied his shoes, and did his laundry, and made sure he wore clean clothes.
My parents split up when I was two, and my mom and I moved across the country to Massachusetts from California when I was five. I don't remember my dad being around much even before we moved. My dad visited every couple of years when he was in the area on business.
When I was 11, my dad remarried. A wonderful woman. Mary insisted I come visit for a few weeks every summer, and during Christmas break. I acquired a stepbrother and stepsister.
Mary would sneak out and buy me things. I remember she bought me three beautiful long dresses. The sneaking was necessary, because although my dad has always been very well off, he is very frugal. Okay, cheap.
My sister Sarah was born around a year after they got married.
I enjoyed my visits. Up til then it has been just me and my mom. Holidays weren't a big deal. A bustling real family was fun for me.
When Sarah was round eight, I called to talk with my dad, and Mary told me they were divorced and he didn't live there anymore.
After that contact with my dad was rare.
He retired around ten years ago, and started to come visit me once or twice a year. It's hard to explain my relationship with my dad. He's very self-centered. He doesn't really ask about me or my life. I think he thinks that anyone who isn't wealthy and successful is inferior, and he doesn't have much compassion for people who aren't. He brags about his no cost full medical coverage and six figure retirement income in front of my mom, who refused alimony, and had to raise me with very little help from him. I think he just isn't aware.
My dad has good qualities too. He's smart, has a good sense of humor, and when he visited me and saw my crummy basement apartment he helped me buy my house.
So back to the visit. My flight was delayed getting into St. Louis, and I missed my connection. Got to spend six and a half hours at the St. Louis airport. Met a mortgage broker from St. Louis, and a nice older lady who loaned me her Soap Opera Digest. Finally arrived in Sacramento at 8:30 p.m. Dad picked me up at the airport, and we drove to his place.
Dad recently moved into an independent living facility. Long overdue. It�s a nice place, and they provide meals and activities, and I think he likes it there. He has not been taking good care of himself for years, and a month ago, when my sister was visiting him, he was falling a lot. Sarah, bless her, got his doctors to actually see him, and they reduced his medication and he�s not falling anymore.
Dad has always been an aggressive driver. His driving scared my mom, and my stepmom, and me when I was old enough to know better. As he has gotten older, it has crossed over to terrifying. He drove back from the airport, which wasn�t too bad because there wasn�t much traffic.
I slept on the floor of his apartment the first night, and checked into a motel for the rest of the visit. I got the car � woohoo! It was also nice to have my own space.
I took him grocery shopping, we got him some furniture for his terrace, went to refill his prescriptions, etc.
Every day at 3:00 dad and four or five of his friends gets together at Java City; they sit outside so that the smokers can smoke. His friends are delightful. Don, who looks very ill, is bright, and fun and interesting to talk to. Chuck is a total character and is originally from Wisconsin. Steve is more like my age, and he makes a bundle selling stuff on ebay.
On Friday night, my aunt and uncle took us to a World Tennis Team match. Andre Agassi is on the Sacramento team, but he wasn�t there that night. We had good seats, and we had a good time.
Dad wanted to drive up to Tahoe on the Monday before I left, and I talked him out of it. There was a chance that he would insist on driving � NO WAY, plus I blew my gambling budget for the next ten years when I went to Tahoe and Reno with him a few years ago.
Me and Dad in Reno.
Then there was the trip to San Francisco on Tuesday to get together with some old high school buddies. Moral dilemma: I beg off, he drives; he gets in a horrible accident. Or, I drive, and need drugs and therapy for years due to the stress of driving in the big city. (I live in a town of 10,000 people in Iowa � NOOO city driving skills here).
Then the good news � one of his buddies lives in Stockton. We could drive there, and he would drive all of us to the town that I can�t remember the name of where we could catch BART into the city. Whew! And then dad insisted on driving to Stockton. Anti-whew!
It�s about an hour drive. Dad decided to use cruise control. And spent ten minutes weaving all over the road and letting go of the steering wheel while he tried to figure out how to turn it on. Once he had it on, he was determined to leave it on. No. Matter. What. My life really did flash before my eyes when he pulled up to within two inches of the slow moving car in front of us, the other car panicked and moved to the right lane, which contained another car, it semi jackknifed and weaved back in front of us. Almost a really big huge accident, and dad didn�t even notice. It was terrifying.
We made it to his friend�s house, a very nice man and his wife, and he drove � normally and safely to the town whose name I can�t remember. I got my BART ticket and away we went. The ride was cool. Got to see lots of Oakland and go UNDER the bay.
We got to the city and my dad and his friend went off to have lunch. I wandered around, window shopped, then went back to the BART station, which was also the entrance to a big mall. I checked out the stores, and then went to a cool coffee shop where they roast their own beans daily and ordered a mocha.
I people watched for a while and then noticed a pigeon has come into the building. He was limping, and his feathers were a bit scroungy. He started to try and eat something off the floor near me. I worried that he would get stepped on or something, but pigeon dude was doing just fine. He stayed near me and kept looking at me, so I went and bought him a bagel. I spent the next hour sipping my mocha and throwing bagel pieces to the pigeon. We bonded.
Then he flew back outside to see his buddies, and I met my dad and his friend, and we headed back towards home. We got back to Stockton around 4:00, and we headed back towards Sacramento. I drove.
I. Will. Not. Ever. Drive. With. My. Dad. Again.
All went fine until we hit rush hour traffic. And I stayed in the slow lane instead of crossing six lanes of bumper to bumper traffic to get to the slightly faster lane, so that I could recross the six lanes of bumper to bumper traffic in ten minutes when we got our exit. Dad was extremely cranky about this. I�m thinking that at least I didn�t almost kill us, and holy crap there�s a lot of traffic, and boy oh boy it�s easier driving in Iowa. Dad crabbed the whole rest of the way, and then recrabbed when we got into town in horrendous rush hour traffic, and I again, heinously stayed in the right lane, as that was where the restaurant was.
I have absolutely no freaking clue what the right way is to handle my dad when he�s a complete jerk.
Got up at 4:00 am the next morning, picked up my dad, and I drove us to the airport. Things were still tense, and I was relieved when he drove away.
I arrived at the Cedar Rapids airport around 3:30, and headed home. I appreciated the nice, easy Iowa traffic on 380.
My relationship with my dad has a lot of mixed emotions. I�m glad I went. I am going to look into finding someone in Sacramento who can look out for him. His driving should be evaluated, and the appropriate steps taken. Someone needs to kick doctor ass when they won�t get him an appointment when he needs it. He needs someone in his corner. If I lived nearby I could do it, but I don�t.
I like closure. I like knowing the right thing to do. It�s frustrating that my relationship with my dad isn�t clear or easy.
<11:23 p.m. - July 21, 2002
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